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I do not know about you dear reader but in all my years on this planet I can hand on heart say that I have never had any dealings with the Police, I have never been arrested or had any bother. If anything my experiences have been good. It started off when I was a student in Manchester and the Police locally would ask for volunteers for line ups. It was a great crack to be honest they would send down a van with a vague description of who they wanted. (Usually along the lines of white male late teens early twenties above 5 foot 8 etc).

The best bit was it was quite exciting we would line up then some bloke would appear who would usually look nothing like the rest of us and he would then chose where in the line he would stand and do his best not to look guilty. Once he was positioned the witness would come in and in most cases identify the culprit. It was a nervous affair and on one famous occasion mad Mick the Irish Bar Manager was identified which resulted in wide-spread giggling and then a healthy telling off by the custody sergeant.

The best of all however was when we got ten of Her Majesty`s finest English ten pound notes each from the nice man just to put that into context a pint of Tartan bitter at the Union bar was 25 pence a pint so such visits were nicknamed a 40 pinter.

Anyway I digress all was good and nothing at all had occurred until about 8 weeks ago when I had flown back from Poland to Luton airport I was heading for my mum`s  and I was driving into Abingdon and was trying to remember if Tesco closed at 10pm and as it was 0955pm. I was driving a tad too swiftly so much so the next thing I see is a man in a bright yellow jacket wave a torch at me and tell me to pull over into an empty shop car park.

I did as was asked, he walked up asked me what my first name was so I told him he then said did I know the speed limit I said yes 30 miles per hour. He then said that he had captured me doing 38 mph which was clearly breaking the law. I immediately said yes and it was a fair cop. He then took my license away and did checks that revealed nothing untoward.

He then said to me that I was a bit unlucky as I was not his target audience which was in fact boy races, but the law cannot differentiate which I accepted. He then asked me some questions about what I did for a living and then he said that rather than give me an automatic 3 points  and £100 fine I could sign up for a speed awareness course. I thanked him and said that I appreciated the chance, he then said I should be breathalysed as it was mandatory but he said that it was clear that I was sober so he would not bother.

With that he wished me good night and I was off, feeling slightly guilty but clearly having passed the attitude test, I will let you know what the course is like. Evening all…for all who remember Dixon of Dock Green.